Untitled.

Apparently I blog bi-yearly, and a lot has happened. So bear with me.

I spent my first two years in college seriously questioning why I was here. I was incredibly lonely,  all of my happiness was completely dependent on one person, and I deeply desired close friendships that I felt were unattainable. My personality was dulled, and I was consistently exhausted from fighting for some sort of closeness with anyone. I craved conversation about Jesus, and really just about the complexities of life in general, and that was just not something I found.

I lived for holiday breaks. I was with friends at home when I was asked how school was. I gave the cookie-cutter answer as always, about how great and fun it is. I said bye to everyone and got in my little Volkswagen bug (that I have a love-hate relationship with because everything in it breaks). I drove home how I always do--windows down, heater blasting, usually singing way too loud to some Taylor Swift song from 2009, but that night it felt different. I realized I had lied to absolutely everyone in that room. It hit me that I had accepted that college was just going to be a time in my life that I'd "get through", a time that was not characterized by happiness or fun memories. I started uncontrollably and embarrassingly sobbing and pulled off onto the side of the road. I think it was the first time I ever became angry with God. I really just didn't understand why all of my high school friends were having these incredible experiences and had all of these friends and I was in a place where nothing felt right. I was in a relationship that I knew God hadn't wanted me in for quite some time but I was too scared to let go because it was all I felt that I had. I told God if He wanted me to stay, He had to put people in my life.

Well, jokes on me for putting an ultimatum on God, because the next quarter was the same. Winter came and went, along with the tragic El Niño of 2k16,  and spring came in to greet us. Jesus brought people into my life towards the end of this quarter, but I didn't give any of these potential friendships the time they needed, and then summer came.

I was half way done. I could make it.

Summer was really something.

Sometimes God wants us to let go of things because He has something better for us and this is paradoxically beautiful yet terrifying. There are things in our lives that we see slipping, so we grip them so tightly, terrified at the thought of losing them. And we don't realize that holding on so tightly hurts us more than just letting go. Jesus says, "I know you're scared, but trust me."
And finally, I did.

It was in the midst of having a completely shattered heart that I hit rock bottom. And, when you hit rock bottom, you realize that the rock at the bottom is God. He’s the one that is and has always been waiting there. He was the only one that gave me an actual lasting sense of comfort.You can analyze the situation with people until there are no words left, and then continue to analyze it even more, but ultimately you don’t leave completely satisfied, healed or in any sort of new state of understanding. And sometimes I miss how close I was with Him in those quiet mornings and nights, when I would just fall to the floor in a messy pile reading and re-reading Psalm 62, surrendering it all because I didn't know what else to do. And now I look at that time with gratitude, because it was in those days that His peace stood out in sharp contrast to what I should have been feeling. Jesus doesn’t always give us answers, but He does give us perspective.

The end of summer found me with a tired and weak heart. But it also introduced me to new friendships that were life-giving and full of unexplainable joy.

And little did I know that that was just the start.

Sometimes He takes things away that we think we want or need in the moment, so that we can make room for even greater and sweeter things unseen. I cannot even begin to articulate how sweet God has been to me in these past six months. I feel overwhelmed in the most beautiful way, overwhelmed by the amount and quality of friendships God has placed in my life. I can't even write about this without tears in my eyes because I still am not used to the drastic change that has happened. I was on a camping trip last quarter and one of my friends said to me, "You seem so much more alive, Mo, you're thriving this quarter," and it meant way more to me than he will ever know.  It still overwhelms and even more so when I realize how it has absolutely nothing to do with me and everything to do with Jesus. The women I've met this quarter have genuinely changed my life, so to you incredible souls, thank you. Thank you for loving me so well. Thank you for being funny, and witty, and wonderfully kind. Thank you for making it seem like I've known you for years, when it's been less than six months. And most importantly, thank you for leading me to Jesus every single day, consistently teaching me what grace looks like, and sitting in the valleys and joyfully dancing on the mountain tops with me (metaphorically but also literally).  Thank you for exploring Yosemite, Big Sur, Idyllwild, Mammoth, Newport and Chicago alongside me. Before this quarter, if someone had told me that I would go to all of those places with friends in just 10 weeks, I would've said that I was being pranked. But no pranks here.

This place, a place of loneliness, and a place that I so much wanted to escape for the past two years, has become a place I don't want to leave. A place where I’ve finally found a community that is consistently pushing me towards Jesus. I’m truly thankful that God takes things away from us. That He knows my heart better than I do, that He gives us courage to make decisions that are so scary and lead to so much uncertainty. And most importantly, I’m thankful that when He gives us the courage to let go of things that we love, He walks into the unknown with us. He takes our hands and says, "It’s going to be okay. I’m with you, I’ve been with you, and I always will be" and that couldn’t be more freeing. 

There's a saying that says something about how sometimes a place isn't home but people are. Whoever said that is right, I think.  I'm not sure if anyone will read this far. But if you did, thank you, and good job, because according to some potentially reliable statistic, the average person stops reading after the second paragraph. But if you're reading this and you find yourself in a similar place as the girl sitting that night on the side of the road in the crappy but cute VW bug, I promise you, it will get better.  I also promise you that there is a purpose in all of the parts along the way, even if that seems impossible to believe at the time. Hard times make the good taste infinitely sweeter. I have never felt more joyful and loved than I do now. 

There is a God that loves you with a love so powerful that our minds can't even comprehend it, and He is fighting for you every single moment, just like He did for me.




7 8 

{The struggle of} Being A Christian in College

High school made me think it was easy. Not having a boyfriend made me think it was easy. I was surrounded by my Christian friends and went to church events all the time, I prayed, sang worship- I mean, I even lead worship. I had deep talks with my best friends about God all the time. I had never even been to a party, in fact when I was asked about College parties, I was always the one to say, "No I'm going to be totally fine, I can easily go and not drink because I know I'm strong enough." Right. Let me just say first off, church community and involvement is a powerful thing and being without it makes everything a million times more difficult.

Fast forward a few months. 

College was new and exciting, but I knew coming into it that it would be hard for many reasons. First, school in general. I knew it would be difficult to make time for God because of the work, and when I get stressed out with school, I always think I have the strength to take it on myself. And second, those Christian friends I surrounded myself with before, and that environment, were mostly gone; only reachable by phone call or text. Although I had met great people here, including a couple woman who loved God, I hadn't met any really close Christian friends and that made growing spiritually incredibly hard. I quickly learned what a college party was and started going out quite often and doing what I thought was fun in the moment, and doing exactly what I said I would be strong enough to say no to. But, the more I did it, the weaker my relationship with God became, and the less I was feeling conviction. At the same time, I wasn't following His word in other areas of my life and that was creating a distant feeling as well. But, despite all of this, I was convincing myself that it was okay and I was just experimenting. I was still pretending like I was living a Christian life to other people when inside I knew I wasn't. I just kept doing things I knew weren't glorifying to God in anyway because I thought it was fun; I thought they were bringing me happiness. But what I didn't realize then was that all the times that I was intentionally not following God, I was adding to this layer of intentional sin that I felt was separating me from having a good relationship with God. That fire that I felt from partying was burning out. That "happiness" I soon realized was a temporary feeling that was followed by disappointment. Then the guilt started coming in. Now I know that we are not supposed to feel guilty, that is absolutely not what God wants. In fact, He took our guilt and shame and washed it away. However, conviction is a very real and powerful thing and it started to make its way to me. And the worst part was, at the time I needed to pray the most,  I didn't want to because I didn't know what to even start with, and I knew I would just go out again so why ask for forgiveness now. 

But then one day, after feeling pretty empty, I realized something.

I had been wanting God conditionally and on my terms. I wanted to have the safety and protection of Him, but still be able to do all the things that I was finding "fun." But if I have learned one thing, it is that this is not how it works. This is not what it means to be a Christian. God doesn't want me conditionally. In fact, He loves me unconditionally. So how is it fair for me to say, "God I want you, I believe in you, I love you, however I also love the things you don't love, the things you don't want me to do, so I think I'm going to love you, but not truly follow what you say." What kind of love is that? One that is on my terms.  I desired God as my protector but not as someone to actually follow with all areas of my life. I often hear the "once saved always saved" line and it makes me really sad when that is used to justify actions. To me, that's like someone entering into a marriage and saying, "well I don't really have to try anymore because I signed the contract and got what I wanted." I really don't believe that is how it works. And with that statement, the goal is heaven, not an actual relationship with God. And to that I say, we can't follow God just to gain the safety of Heaven because then we are essentially making heaven our god and not God himself. 

I'm not writing this to make anyone feel guilty or judged. In fact, one of the things I love about the people I have met here is that I never felt judged. Nor did I by my Christian friends who knew I was struggling. I felt loved. And that more than anything made me realize that God was showing me grace through them.

Fast forward two quarters. 

I would be lying if I said when I occasionally go out I don't feel the pressure to drink. Thankfully not by the people I'm with at all, but from the social situation itself. But, God is so much bigger. And I've found for myself that since I've started pursuing Him in college, even though He's been relentlessly pursuing me this entire time, those things I used to want to do, aren't even really on my thoughts much anymore because the more I find myself desiring God, the more joy I feel. A joy that lasts through the regular stresses that College brings, a joy that isn't dependent on my social situation...a joy that isn't gone when the party ends.

"For the LORD God is a sun and shield; The LORD gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly."

Psalm 84:11 

"Why Can't I Feel God?"

"Why don't I feel God?"


Have you ever asked yourself this? I know I have, and definitely more than once. I've gone through seasons that many would call "spiritually dry seasons." But here's the thing with that phrase, to me, it sounds as though it's just "one of those things that we can't help" or one of those things that "will pass eventually." But really, from what I've experienced, it's solely in our control to decide whether or not we will reside in one of those "seasons." 

I found myself constantly thinking "God why don't I feel close to you right now, why was I so on fire for You a few months ago and not now, where did the passion go?" I went to my mentor and asked her about it, and eventually I kind of just accepted it. But I realized how stubborn I was because that entire time that I struggled, I rarely opened my bible, or prayed. It was like that feeling of weakened connection in my relationship with God made me talk to Him less because I felt like even if I prayed it wouldn't help. 

But now I look back and see how tragically blind I was. My relationship with God is similar to any relationship. How can any form of relationship progress and become stronger if communication is lacking? On an average day, I talk to my best friend for at least a few hours, whether it be when we're hanging out or over text. Yet, when I felt my connection with God becoming weak, I failed to even spend 20 minutes with Him a day. 20 minutes! Yet, I could go on my phone and 20 minutes would fly by without me even noticing. 

It's funny to me how sometimes we expect our relationship with God to stay strong without tending to it. But here's another thing, we have the holy spirit within us. 1 Corinthians 3:16 "Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you?" We literally have God's spirit in us, and yet we still think we can be disconnected from God. You can't be disconnected with something that is within your soul. Whenever I'm feeling as though I can't "feel" God, that simple truth completely grounds me and almost makes me laugh, as to how mistaken I was to think I was actually disconnected from something that is within my being. 

I've realized that the lack of "feeling" God, was all in my head and it was mostly related to distractions. The more time my attention was with technology, Netflix (oh man, my biggest weakness!), and other worldly things, the less time my attention was with God. So lately, when I realize I'm spending more time on Instagram than I am with my Savior, I just turn of off my phone and as of right now, open to John. Jesus left us a 1,189 chapter love story that He is begging us to read full of love letters to us. If you ever find yourself asking "Why can't I feel God?" I encourage you to go read one (or many!) of His love letters to us.  

Lastly, talk to your God. If you don't feel connected in a relationship with your parents, or friend, what would you do? I'm guessing you'd probably talk to that person about it. So that's exactly what we should do with God. Talk to him about how you're feeling. If anyone could solve a problem, there's no doubt God would do it the best way possible! Lastly just remember one thing, even when we don't "feel" Him, He's still there, waiting for us to realize our silliness. He loves us so much that we can't even fathom exactly how much because it's beyond our ability to understand a love like it. So in these "spiritually dry seasons" (that are actually totally in our control and we decide how long they will go on for) be on the lookout for all of the ways God says "I love you!" I send this with a prayer that you meet God in your feeling of disconnection and that you are assured of His overwhelming love for you.


So my friends, I leave you with Psalm 63:1-5:

1 You, God, are my God,
    earnestly I seek you;
I thirst for you,
    my whole being longs for you,
in a dry and parched land
    where there is no water.

2 I have seen you in the sanctuary
    and beheld your power and your glory.
3 Because your love is better than life,
    my lips will glorify you.
4 I will praise you as long as I live,
    and in your name I will lift up my hands.
5 I will be fully satisfied as with the richest of foods;
    with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

Thank you for reading!

Earthly = Empty

First, here's a quote and verse that I think basically explain what I'm about to try to say...just in way fewer words :p            "To be full of things is to be empty of God. To be empty of things is to be full of God."                     -Meister Eckheart

"Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth."     

                    -Colossians 3:2

        I've been thinking a lot about my future lately. If you're a senior, or even a junior, chances are, it's probably crossed your mind at least a few times too. The struggle of deciding which colleges are right for you, the fact that people expect us to know what we want to do for our careers, when most of us aren't even 18 yet...we all experience this at one point...and it just so happens I'm currently coming face to face with the realities of making these decisions. Just for some background as to where this topic is coming from...I've been struggling lately...the majority of my family doesn't believe a Christian college is the right choice for me because (and these are their ideas) 1. They aren't well known enough which will make it impossible for me to be chosen for a job later on 2. "Oh but you've worked so hard to just throw it all away and go to that type of school and 3. (oh this is just my favorite thing to hear) "What kind of degree do you plan to get? One involving religion? Ha, that'll get you far."

(I promise there is a point to me telling you all this...just wait for it)

They aren't believers (except for my mom), which is why I feel as though I can't explain to them, what I'm about to say here. Their 3 "reasons" for why Christian colleges aren't the "right choice" made me realize something huge that impacts and changes everything I once was so sure of in regards to my future. I realized...

Nothing I do for personal gain in this life matters at all. Nothing I do to ensure MY success, will be significant for more than 100 years tops. And lastly, NOTHING I do that is for myself, will make me feel truly satisfied and filled with joy.

Everything that I do to try to ensure my personal success on earth...

will leave me empty.

In fact, I just watched a movie, Grace Unplugged, (I highly recommend it), about a girl who leaves her life of leading worship at her church with her dad, to become a Hollywood star, and makes it big, but is told in order to reach fame, she'd have to compromise her morals. She ends up gaining huge success, but instead of being happy and feeling complete after reaching what she thought was her dream, she notices something is missing, and she feels so empty and doesn't know why. Long story short, she realizes her success, was all for her. Nothing she was doing was in any way to glorify God or live for Him . She was making her life about herself instead.

This movie and facing this reality caused my to realize that my future isn't about me and if I try to make it about me, I'm just going to be left completely unfulfilled.
It's about making God known to other people and glorifying Him along the way. That's why we're here isn't it? That is our purpose: to make Him known.

In every situation that we ever encounter, make Him known to people who haven't yet experienced how great He is.

I realized that we shouldn't pick a college because of how it'll look to companies when they are looking to hire, but we should pick the one we feel we can grow the most in our walk with the Lord at, the one where we think God will use us the most to serve our purpose.

 We shouldn't pick a job based upon the income levels because God promises he'll provide what we need  to survive if we keep our hearts purely focused on Him. And I find comfort in the fact that even if I end up at a job, where I make close to nothing, that I'll always be filled up with his love and joy. Like Eckheart says, we can be completely empty of things, and still be full.

Our earth deceives us more than I can even comprehend. We have this idea that our happiness depends on the materials we have, high incomes, and lastly, that our happiness depends on other people... when is clearly states in Colossians that our minds NEED to be completely set on building up treasures in Heaven, not giving in to the temptations of this Earth. Not giving in to doing things for our personal gain, or our own success.  Because although I'm only 17, and have no clue what living on my own is like, or supporting myself financially, I am 100 billion % confident that if we don't live to serve ourselves, and we don't shape our future based upon solely personal gain, the amount of joy that we will be overwhelmed with, no matter what hardships we face, will provide a life more fulfilling than any billionaire, who lacks a life with Jesus, could ever even dream of.

 

Thank you for reading :)

Thankful for The Little Things

  "The things you take for granted... 

    ...someone else is praying for."

-anonymous 

     I take so much for granted. I take my home for granted. My cellphone, my bed. The fact that I get to come home to dinner every night, and never go hungry or thirsty. The simple fact that I have clean drinking water at all times of the day, when there are kids who go parched because their only water source is either a far walk or could cause sickness. I take my education for granted, even complain that I have too much homework, when there're kids all over the world who would give anything to go to my school. I take my siblings for granted, and the fact that my mom and dad are both alive and healthy. This entire life. This is how our generation is. We always want more, and try to obtain "better" than what we have, meanwhile forgetting how fortunate we are to just wake up healthy every day. 
      There are so many people in this world who can't function without aid, and who struggle to do something as simple as breathing. There are kids who spend their childhoods in hospital beds, and kids who don't even know what its like to wake up to family and presents on Christmas morning. There are people who will never leave the places they grow up in, yet most of us have gone on vacations, probably even more than one. I take my freedom for granted. The fact that God placed me in a place where I can freely worship him and not fear death because of it. Why do we feel the need to spend time complaining about things  in our lives, and little things as that, when our time should be spent thanking God for what he's doing in our lives currently? When I pray, I always thank Him for so much in my life. But, I always forget to thank Him for my health. How often do we thank Him for giving us eyes and ears that work? Or for giving us the ability to walk, and run, and play sports? Why do we even begin to think we have the right to put ourselves down because of our looks, when we have so much  more than so many people? There are so many people who manage to live without legs and arms, and still be grateful. We have a mouth to speak kind words to people, yet we often forget to. Each day, from the time we wake up, we have the ability to reach out and make at least one person's entire day better, yet we hold back.  
      We have been given everything necessary to experience life fully, a life that we don't even deserve, yet we still take so much for granted everyday and forget how blessed we are just to wake up healthy.

~Thanks for taking the time to read my rambling~

"This is the day the Lord has made;

We will rejoice and be glad in it."

Psalm 118:24

Living by God's Timetable...Not Our Own

 

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

 

 

 

     It says in the Bible multiple times that God knows what's best for us, and that He has our whole lives planned out. It says to give up, and trust him whole heartedly with our lives and our futures. Yet, if you're anything like me, you often fail at this. I know I do. All the time. I always find myself questioning why things happen in my life. I mean, God says he knows the desires of your heart, and if you live for Him, he fullfills those desires, right??? So, why don't things that I often want to happen, happen? I mean, at the time, I truly think they're the "desires" of my heart. But then...I realize, what am I thinking. I often make the common mistake of thinking God's plan will always unfold the way I think it should. The truth is, God works according to His own predetermined timetable, not the one we think He should work by. And the truth is, God's intended pathway for us often involves a companion named suffering.

     As a teenager, life gets hard. I'm going to be really honest because I guess there's really no reason to sugar coat it, but I was really hurt by a relationship coming to an end. And honestly, at the time, I did not understand at all why God was putting me through that pain. It straight up was terrible. And I questioned God so much because I felt like being in that relationship was what my heart most desired, and didn't understand why, when I was living out what I felt like was a good, christian life, I had to feel so low. It took me quite some time, but I finally realized,  yes I had no idea why God was allowing me to be in this situation, but I couldn't rely on my own understanding of the situation, and I knew I had to trust that He was going to use this painful situation in some way. And now, 5 months later, I look back and am amazed how God has changed my life for the better, in a way, that would have never happened had I not experienced that. Honestly, before it, I thought I was a strong Christian. But, I wasn't. I didn't understand the true love  of God and didn't trust in Him like I needed to. But he led me back to church, where I found community. He brought me to meet someone who I consider my mentor now. But what I'm attempting to say, is that I reflect upon the last 5 months, and I finally see the amazing, amazing ways God used that painful situation to bring me closer to Him., and bring me closer to so many others.  I wanted to share my story to show you that God is bigger and wiser than our situations. But... we're often too dull to see it. It's crazy to me that he promises us so frequently that he has amazing plans for us, yet we often get so wrapped up in our difficult situations, that we forget to have that trust.

The Lord declares in Ecclesiastes 3:1-22 "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing..."

For everything...there is a season. God's going to take us through so many seasons in our life. Seasons of singleness...seasons of breakups...seasons of stressful school...seasons of lonliness... but we will also experience seasons of joy, and love, and peace. But to me, its crazy, that even when we go through those seasons (yes I've said that alot :p) of hard times, we can always find that joy, love, and peace in Him.

God is bigger than our situations. He will get us through them. He knows the true desires of our heart. He is going to use every single event in our lives to make us stronger. With him, we can withstand anything. I want to end this with my absolute favorite verse. God is our light, our protector.  His grace is enough. He promises us that if we walk uprightly with Him, making Him always our priority,and living every second for Him, then he will withhold no good thing from us.

That alone, should be enough to make us want to surrender every second of our life to Him.

 

Thank you for reading :)


P.S.  I drew a lot of inspiration for this post from Pastor Dennis's sermon last Sunday at EFCC.

 

Calm Chaos

"Peace I leave with you;my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid." John 14:27



First off, this is a portion of the lyrics from the song Whatever You're Doing by the band Sanctus Real (I blended the lyrics with a "chaotic" picture of a sunset and pier :p) and there's just something about these lyrics that is so relatable.

Throughout my day, and I'm sure yours too, it seems like there's not enough time in the day to get everything that you need to get done, done. For me, it's often school work. Feeling like I'm going to be crushed under the stress of school and the pressure to get all of my homework done, or get a good grade on the exam the next day, (when there's still like 5 more left that week), or to raise my grade because my current one "isn't going to get me into those good colleges". Whatever it may be, my weeks feel absolutetly chaotic. Staying up late to study, but not being able to catch up on sleep the next night because yet again, I'm staying up late to study, so I just get more tired. I feel like this happens to all of us. Then on top of school, we all have lives, where we go through times that quite frankly, suck and are hard. Maybe it's that you can't quite forget about the boy you used to be with, and he keeps popping up in your life, and you're tired of hurting, and don't quite understand why you have all of this on your plate, or how you're going to push through it all and not break. Or you're dealing with issues at home on top of the stress of school. Whatever it may be, it simply comes down to the fact that as a teenager in high school, life is hard, and we sometimes feel like no one understands the pressures or why He allowed us to be hurt or stressed like this.

However...

I've recently realized that through all of this, when I look to Him for my center, and completetly trust in him... I'm overcome with this crazy sense of peace...even admist the chaos. With school, I've realized, doing our best is all we can do, and it's all God expects us to do. He has a plan for us, and if we fully understand that, then we can find so much comfort in it. Heck, if we don't get into that "perfect" college, that just means it wasn't perfect for us. I think...when we understand the simple fact that God promises to provide us with what we need...not what we want...but what we need...there really isn't a reason to stress. And with that guy you can't forget about...there's a reason he's not in your life anymore, God is working inside of you, you may feel hurt and like your insides are just gonna burst out because you can't take it anymore, but I guarentee, if you fully trust that He does everything for a reason, that chaos, will turn to peace. It's scary to "surrender to what you can't see", I struggle with this way to much, but I guess all we can do is fully trust, and with trust, comes the ability to free yourself of worrying, stress, and lastly...chaos.