Apparently I blog bi-yearly, and a lot has happened. So bear with me.
I spent my first two years in college seriously questioning why I was here. I was incredibly lonely, all of my happiness was completely dependent on one person, and I deeply desired close friendships that I felt were unattainable. My personality was dulled, and I was consistently exhausted from fighting for some sort of closeness with anyone. I craved conversation about Jesus, and really just about the complexities of life in general, and that was just not something I found.
I lived for holiday breaks. I was with friends at home when I was asked how school was. I gave the cookie-cutter answer as always, about how great and fun it is. I said bye to everyone and got in my little Volkswagen bug (that I have a love-hate relationship with because everything in it breaks). I drove home how I always do--windows down, heater blasting, usually singing way too loud to some Taylor Swift song from 2009, but that night it felt different. I realized I had lied to absolutely everyone in that room. It hit me that I had accepted that college was just going to be a time in my life that I'd "get through", a time that was not characterized by happiness or fun memories. I started uncontrollably and embarrassingly sobbing and pulled off onto the side of the road. I think it was the first time I ever became angry with God. I really just didn't understand why all of my high school friends were having these incredible experiences and had all of these friends and I was in a place where nothing felt right. I was in a relationship that I knew God hadn't wanted me in for quite some time but I was too scared to let go because it was all I felt that I had. I told God if He wanted me to stay, He had to put people in my life.
Well, jokes on me for putting an ultimatum on God, because the next quarter was the same. Winter came and went, along with the tragic El Niño of 2k16, and spring came in to greet us. Jesus brought people into my life towards the end of this quarter, but I didn't give any of these potential friendships the time they needed, and then summer came.
I was half way done. I could make it.
Summer was really something.
Sometimes God wants us to let go of things because He has something better for us and this is paradoxically beautiful yet terrifying. There are things in our lives that we see slipping, so we grip them so tightly, terrified at the thought of losing them. And we don't realize that holding on so tightly hurts us more than just letting go. Jesus says, "I know you're scared, but trust me."
And finally, I did.
It was in the midst of having a completely shattered heart that I hit rock bottom. And, when you hit rock bottom, you realize that the rock at the bottom is God. He’s the one that is and has always been waiting there. He was the only one that gave me an actual lasting sense of comfort.You can analyze the situation with people until there are no words left, and then continue to analyze it even more, but ultimately you don’t leave completely satisfied, healed or in any sort of new state of understanding. And sometimes I miss how close I was with Him in those quiet mornings and nights, when I would just fall to the floor in a messy pile reading and re-reading Psalm 62, surrendering it all because I didn't know what else to do. And now I look at that time with gratitude, because it was in those days that His peace stood out in sharp contrast to what I should have been feeling. Jesus doesn’t always give us answers, but He does give us perspective.
I spent my first two years in college seriously questioning why I was here. I was incredibly lonely, all of my happiness was completely dependent on one person, and I deeply desired close friendships that I felt were unattainable. My personality was dulled, and I was consistently exhausted from fighting for some sort of closeness with anyone. I craved conversation about Jesus, and really just about the complexities of life in general, and that was just not something I found.
I lived for holiday breaks. I was with friends at home when I was asked how school was. I gave the cookie-cutter answer as always, about how great and fun it is. I said bye to everyone and got in my little Volkswagen bug (that I have a love-hate relationship with because everything in it breaks). I drove home how I always do--windows down, heater blasting, usually singing way too loud to some Taylor Swift song from 2009, but that night it felt different. I realized I had lied to absolutely everyone in that room. It hit me that I had accepted that college was just going to be a time in my life that I'd "get through", a time that was not characterized by happiness or fun memories. I started uncontrollably and embarrassingly sobbing and pulled off onto the side of the road. I think it was the first time I ever became angry with God. I really just didn't understand why all of my high school friends were having these incredible experiences and had all of these friends and I was in a place where nothing felt right. I was in a relationship that I knew God hadn't wanted me in for quite some time but I was too scared to let go because it was all I felt that I had. I told God if He wanted me to stay, He had to put people in my life.
Well, jokes on me for putting an ultimatum on God, because the next quarter was the same. Winter came and went, along with the tragic El Niño of 2k16, and spring came in to greet us. Jesus brought people into my life towards the end of this quarter, but I didn't give any of these potential friendships the time they needed, and then summer came.
I was half way done. I could make it.
Summer was really something.
Sometimes God wants us to let go of things because He has something better for us and this is paradoxically beautiful yet terrifying. There are things in our lives that we see slipping, so we grip them so tightly, terrified at the thought of losing them. And we don't realize that holding on so tightly hurts us more than just letting go. Jesus says, "I know you're scared, but trust me."
And finally, I did.
It was in the midst of having a completely shattered heart that I hit rock bottom. And, when you hit rock bottom, you realize that the rock at the bottom is God. He’s the one that is and has always been waiting there. He was the only one that gave me an actual lasting sense of comfort.You can analyze the situation with people until there are no words left, and then continue to analyze it even more, but ultimately you don’t leave completely satisfied, healed or in any sort of new state of understanding. And sometimes I miss how close I was with Him in those quiet mornings and nights, when I would just fall to the floor in a messy pile reading and re-reading Psalm 62, surrendering it all because I didn't know what else to do. And now I look at that time with gratitude, because it was in those days that His peace stood out in sharp contrast to what I should have been feeling. Jesus doesn’t always give us answers, but He does give us perspective.
The end of summer found me with a tired and weak heart. But it also introduced me to new friendships that were life-giving and full of unexplainable joy.
And little did I know that that was just the start.
Sometimes He takes things away that we think we want or need in the moment, so that we can make room for even greater and sweeter things unseen. I cannot even begin to articulate how sweet God has been to me in these past six months. I feel overwhelmed in the most beautiful way, overwhelmed by the amount and quality of friendships God has placed in my life. I can't even write about this without tears in my eyes because I still am not used to the drastic change that has happened. I was on a camping trip last quarter and one of my friends said to me, "You seem so much more alive, Mo, you're thriving this quarter," and it meant way more to me than he will ever know. It still overwhelms and even more so when I realize how it has absolutely nothing to do with me and everything to do with Jesus. The women I've met this quarter have genuinely changed my life, so to you incredible souls, thank you. Thank you for loving me so well. Thank you for being funny, and witty, and wonderfully kind. Thank you for making it seem like I've known you for years, when it's been less than six months. And most importantly, thank you for leading me to Jesus every single day, consistently teaching me what grace looks like, and sitting in the valleys and joyfully dancing on the mountain tops with me (metaphorically but also literally). Thank you for exploring Yosemite, Big Sur, Idyllwild, Mammoth, Newport and Chicago alongside me. Before this quarter, if someone had told me that I would go to all of those places with friends in just 10 weeks, I would've said that I was being pranked. But no pranks here.
This place, a place of loneliness, and a place that I so much wanted to escape for the past two years, has become a place I don't want to leave. A place where I’ve finally found a community that is consistently pushing me towards Jesus. I’m truly thankful that God takes things away from us. That He knows my heart better than I do, that He gives us courage to make decisions that are so scary and lead to so much uncertainty. And most importantly, I’m thankful that when He gives us the courage to let go of things that we love, He walks into the unknown with us. He takes our hands and says, "It’s going to be okay. I’m with you, I’ve been with you, and I always will be" and that couldn’t be more freeing.
And little did I know that that was just the start.
Sometimes He takes things away that we think we want or need in the moment, so that we can make room for even greater and sweeter things unseen. I cannot even begin to articulate how sweet God has been to me in these past six months. I feel overwhelmed in the most beautiful way, overwhelmed by the amount and quality of friendships God has placed in my life. I can't even write about this without tears in my eyes because I still am not used to the drastic change that has happened. I was on a camping trip last quarter and one of my friends said to me, "You seem so much more alive, Mo, you're thriving this quarter," and it meant way more to me than he will ever know. It still overwhelms and even more so when I realize how it has absolutely nothing to do with me and everything to do with Jesus. The women I've met this quarter have genuinely changed my life, so to you incredible souls, thank you. Thank you for loving me so well. Thank you for being funny, and witty, and wonderfully kind. Thank you for making it seem like I've known you for years, when it's been less than six months. And most importantly, thank you for leading me to Jesus every single day, consistently teaching me what grace looks like, and sitting in the valleys and joyfully dancing on the mountain tops with me (metaphorically but also literally). Thank you for exploring Yosemite, Big Sur, Idyllwild, Mammoth, Newport and Chicago alongside me. Before this quarter, if someone had told me that I would go to all of those places with friends in just 10 weeks, I would've said that I was being pranked. But no pranks here.
This place, a place of loneliness, and a place that I so much wanted to escape for the past two years, has become a place I don't want to leave. A place where I’ve finally found a community that is consistently pushing me towards Jesus. I’m truly thankful that God takes things away from us. That He knows my heart better than I do, that He gives us courage to make decisions that are so scary and lead to so much uncertainty. And most importantly, I’m thankful that when He gives us the courage to let go of things that we love, He walks into the unknown with us. He takes our hands and says, "It’s going to be okay. I’m with you, I’ve been with you, and I always will be" and that couldn’t be more freeing.
There's a saying that says something about how sometimes a place isn't home but people are. Whoever said that is right, I think. I'm not sure if anyone will read this far. But if you did, thank you, and good job, because according to some potentially reliable statistic, the average person stops reading after the second paragraph. But if you're reading this and you find yourself in a similar place as the girl sitting that night on the side of the road in the crappy but cute VW bug, I promise you, it will get better. I also promise you that there is a purpose in all of the parts along the way, even if that seems impossible to believe at the time. Hard times make the good taste infinitely sweeter. I have never felt more joyful and loved than I do now.
There is a God that loves you with a love so powerful that our minds can't even comprehend it, and He is fighting for you every single moment, just like He did for me.
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There is a God that loves you with a love so powerful that our minds can't even comprehend it, and He is fighting for you every single moment, just like He did for me.
7 8
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