High school made me think it was easy. Not having a boyfriend made me think it was easy. I was surrounded by my Christian friends and went to church events all the time, I prayed, sang worship- I mean, I even lead worship. I had deep talks with my best friends about God all the time. I had never even been to a party, in fact when I was asked about College parties, I was always the one to say, "No I'm going to be totally fine, I can easily go and not drink because I know I'm strong enough." Right. Let me just say first off, church community and involvement is a powerful thing and being without it makes everything a million times more difficult.
Fast forward a few months.
College was new and exciting, but I knew coming into it that it would be hard for many reasons. First, school in general. I knew it would be difficult to make time for God because of the work, and when I get stressed out with school, I always think I have the strength to take it on myself. And second, those Christian friends I surrounded myself with before, and that environment, were mostly gone; only reachable by phone call or text. Although I had met great people here, including a couple woman who loved God, I hadn't met any really close Christian friends and that made growing spiritually incredibly hard. I quickly learned what a college party was and started going out quite often and doing what I thought was fun in the moment, and doing exactly what I said I would be strong enough to say no to. But, the more I did it, the weaker my relationship with God became, and the less I was feeling conviction. At the same time, I wasn't following His word in other areas of my life and that was creating a distant feeling as well. But, despite all of this, I was convincing myself that it was okay and I was just experimenting. I was still pretending like I was living a Christian life to other people when inside I knew I wasn't. I just kept doing things I knew weren't glorifying to God in anyway because I thought it was fun; I thought they were bringing me happiness. But what I didn't realize then was that all the times that I was intentionally not following God, I was adding to this layer of intentional sin that I felt was separating me from having a good relationship with God. That fire that I felt from partying was burning out. That "happiness" I soon realized was a temporary feeling that was followed by disappointment. Then the guilt started coming in. Now I know that we are not supposed to feel guilty, that is absolutely not what God wants. In fact, He took our guilt and shame and washed it away. However, conviction is a very real and powerful thing and it started to make its way to me. And the worst part was, at the time I needed to pray the most, I didn't want to because I didn't know what to even start with, and I knew I would just go out again so why ask for forgiveness now.
But then one day, after feeling pretty empty, I realized something.
I had been wanting God conditionally and on my terms. I wanted to have the safety and protection of Him, but still be able to do all the things that I was finding "fun." But if I have learned one thing, it is that this is not how it works. This is not what it means to be a Christian. God doesn't want me conditionally. In fact, He loves me unconditionally. So how is it fair for me to say, "God I want you, I believe in you, I love you, however I also love the things you don't love, the things you don't want me to do, so I think I'm going to love you, but not truly follow what you say." What kind of love is that? One that is on my terms. I desired God as my protector but not as someone to actually follow with all areas of my life. I often hear the "once saved always saved" line and it makes me really sad when that is used to justify actions. To me, that's like someone entering into a marriage and saying, "well I don't really have to try anymore because I signed the contract and got what I wanted." I really don't believe that is how it works. And with that statement, the goal is heaven, not an actual relationship with God. And to that I say, we can't follow God just to gain the safety of Heaven because then we are essentially making heaven our god and not God himself.
I had been wanting God conditionally and on my terms. I wanted to have the safety and protection of Him, but still be able to do all the things that I was finding "fun." But if I have learned one thing, it is that this is not how it works. This is not what it means to be a Christian. God doesn't want me conditionally. In fact, He loves me unconditionally. So how is it fair for me to say, "God I want you, I believe in you, I love you, however I also love the things you don't love, the things you don't want me to do, so I think I'm going to love you, but not truly follow what you say." What kind of love is that? One that is on my terms. I desired God as my protector but not as someone to actually follow with all areas of my life. I often hear the "once saved always saved" line and it makes me really sad when that is used to justify actions. To me, that's like someone entering into a marriage and saying, "well I don't really have to try anymore because I signed the contract and got what I wanted." I really don't believe that is how it works. And with that statement, the goal is heaven, not an actual relationship with God. And to that I say, we can't follow God just to gain the safety of Heaven because then we are essentially making heaven our god and not God himself.
I'm not writing this to make anyone feel guilty or judged. In fact, one of the things I love about the people I have met here is that I never felt judged. Nor did I by my Christian friends who knew I was struggling. I felt loved. And that more than anything made me realize that God was showing me grace through them.
Fast forward two quarters.
I would be lying if I said when I occasionally go out I don't feel the pressure to drink. Thankfully not by the people I'm with at all, but from the social situation itself. But, God is so much bigger. And I've found for myself that since I've started pursuing Him in college, even though He's been relentlessly pursuing me this entire time, those things I used to want to do, aren't even really on my thoughts much anymore because the more I find myself desiring God, the more joy I feel. A joy that lasts through the regular stresses that College brings, a joy that isn't dependent on my social situation...a joy that isn't gone when the party ends.
"For the LORD God is a sun and shield; The LORD gives grace and glory; No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly."
Psalm 84:11
